In the late 19th century, the great Spanish neuroanatomist Santiago Ramon y Cajal wrote a slim volume for scientists in training called “Advice for a Young Investigator.” One chapter of the book is devoted to what Ramon y Cajal calls “diseases of the will”: psychological afflictions that befall scientists and get in the way of a productive scientific life. We update Ramon y Cajal’s formula (symptoms, diagnosis, and prognosis) and come up with tongue-in-cheek 21st century disorders that afflict scientists and doctors alike.